Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
