Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
