Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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