by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
