maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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