Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
