I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
