New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
