Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
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I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
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Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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