Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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