1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The adults are the big ones right?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
