I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
