If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
