we're chasing vodka with high fives
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
