And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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