my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
