There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
