??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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