Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
