It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize