All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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