i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
