I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
