if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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