I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
