We won't sleep together?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
