2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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