If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
