FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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