If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
