I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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