if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
