I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
