She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
