Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
