it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Its about making memories worth repressing
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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