If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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