i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
