I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
