you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
