Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
