Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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