I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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