Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
