Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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