if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
