i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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