I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
