im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
