Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
