yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I want to make a zoo with you.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
