I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
