It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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