I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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