If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
