yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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