All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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