Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
COCAINE IS GR8
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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