i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
